Breaking up with someone… it’s like Vanilla Slice. I decided this as I was trenching through my creamy-vanilla, sugar overload pastry.
You see… you have the icing on the top, which makes the whole thing look so deceiving. You think ‘oh yes, this can be achieved mess free’; much like you look at your break up in the most positive outlook, because it helps you sleep easy at night. And then you take your first bite. Wow, this is going to be an interesting journey. You suddenly wish you chose that chocolate cake - its edibility is so much more familiar. You suddenly wish you could change little things about your relationship so you didn’t have to get to this point. The comfort of having a relationship is so much more familiar.
But if there’s one thing that I’m certain about when it comes to Vanilla slice - and break ups - once you start, you have to just keep going until you know it’s all gone. Until the guilt of the cream custard and sugar icing is well into your digestive system and you can start thinking of ways to burn off the calories. Keep going until you are most satisfied with your break-up efforts; and you can wake up with a smile - knowing you have the support there if you need it, but you’re going to put your armour on and finish the day out. You will trooper through this Vanilla slice like you will trooper through the tough days. You find strength you never knew you had in you, and before you know it … you’ve thrown the wrapper of the slice in the bin having left no crumbs or leftovers. What an achievement! Oh the guilt! (Of the slice!)
To my best friend; there are so many layers to a vanilla slice. Think of all the pastry, custard, sugar icing, and more pastry!! There is so much for you to go through. And the first bite (week) is by far the hardest. Because you start to regret the calories instantly, but you know that you chose the slice for a reason - because you wanted it over so many other things (even over that familiar chocolate slice). Just you keep on going beautiful girl, and I will catch the crumbs. We will pick up pieces that are left behind and make sure you enjoy the slice and think about the next dessert. You know you won’t have Vanilla slice for a while now, because it was so rich and filling; but it doesn’t mean you can’t be open to new desserts :)
Be strong. Put on your armour. Fight for your happiness until the end. And if you don’t, then I will.
An ultimate question. When it comes to cheating, who is to blame? Generally in my opinion, this being the most ideal scenario of the cheating curve - you have a trifecta effect. Boy, girl, and other. The gender specifics are completely interchangeable, the amount of combinations are sadly copius. But down to the heart of it - when it comes to cheating… in a trifecta, who do we blame?
There are 4 options; four trains for you to take and once you jump on the ‘Blame Train’, there’s no going back. We as humans have instinct to move forward - direction and angles are at variety to self, but essentially we all move forward. And for so many of us out of cheating relationships, the only way forward is blame.
Back to the four options.
1) I call this.. the ‘easy’ option: blame the home-wrecking slut. It’s the easiest because, well, he/she is a slut. He/she has little participation in the actual relationship (I hope), he/she has just cemented the speed bump on your road. Slut. But this kind of anger, it is unhealthy past the first week of learning about what they did. The issue is deeper than their ongoing affairs, the issue is between you and your partner - what they did over whatever period of time is no longer relevant. It is there, and will always be there, but it is never going to help you move forward.
2) ‘Revenge’ option: blame him/her, the one that destroyed your faith in trust and love. Temporarily. Or maybe forever. This strongly depends on how long you plan to ride the Blame Train, my friends. But blaming him only gets you so far.. doesn’t it? You could spend the rest of your failed dating life blaming him. If you hold onto this blame so tightly and hope it soothes your pain, you are missing out on some of the greatest friendships and relationships that still remain. Let go and live. Find love again… and again and again and again. 7 billion people on this ever-revolving planet; I hold onto a great deal of hope that there is more than ‘one’ out there for us each!
For this, I give you my favourite love quote - read it, absorb it, and then apply it.
Paullina Simons, The Bronze Horseman - ‘Love is, to be loved…in return’. Take it how you want it, I know that my opinion of this quote has changed since the first time I ever read it.
3) ‘You have very little self respect’ option: Yep it’s an optional train because it happens all too often unfortunately; blaming yourself for letting your partner out of sight and out of reach too easily. Or perhaps driving them away. I think this one is a given; just let this train pass. I remember the first thing a friend told me, ‘out of all of this; I never want you to blame yourself’ - so not only was I barred from this train by my loving friend, I was also spoon-fed the opportunity to embrace my securities and reassure myself that it was never my fault; people make choices, and people make mistakes - that’s the nature of humanity.
4) Let the Blame Trains go and hitch a ride with the next train arriving at your station of ‘life’ in anywhere between 30 seconds and 30 years. Take the chance. Lets face it; from the above options - one ticket on any Blame Train is heading on a one-way journey to Lonelyville. You might hold onto the relationship for 5 more minutes, but you’ll never be the same person; so why reboot the old software on a brand spanking new computer? You don’t. You know better. There are too many frustrations and probably viruses that come as a package deal. You go out and invest in the new software because it’s faster, more reliable, and makes you sleep easier at night. Are we still talking computers…?
Admittedly, I chose to glance at the carriages on each of the 4 trains schedules. How could I have written this now without the personal experience? I am in or on or around option 4. After everything I have accomplished and yet to do so, I now know that my train is me. I live my life with no blame and no hate; there’s no my wasting time. My ex-boy might still blame himself, and maybe he needs to read this to know how to let go. I chose to fix myself by walking away and buying that new software for my new computer- because my decision and its outcomes benefits myself above all others.
Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there’s nothing to make it last.” —Nicholas Sparks, ‘Dear John’